I agree john mulaney is probably an immortal akin to beings such as keanu reeves and jeff goldblum but he’s like a new born baby immortal who is looking at the long long expanse of a lifetime he has in front of him and is already tired
jeff golblum is thousands of years old and loving it. john mulaney was born in 1901 and ever since 1924 it’s gone downhill for him
So to be clear, the immortal timeline seems to be:
John Mulaney - early 20th century
Eric Andre - Probably 17th century or so.
Taika Waititi - Elizabethan age, probably hung out with Shakespeare
Keanu Reeves - We think sometime around Alexander the Great, but he seems to have just sprung up fully formed.
Jeff Goldblum - 100% Biblical times, may or may not be King Solomon.
Tommy Wiseau - Indeterminate, may be the first Homo Sapiens.
me standing inside a bank screaming: MOTHERLODE MOTHERLODE MOTHERLODE MOTHERLODE MOTHERLODE MOTHERLODE MOTHERLODE
Inflation is honestly the strangest shit. Like someone rn is thinking of getting blown up like a balloon and they’ve got a boner.
i thought this was about economics at first and that second sentence hit me like a freight train
serotonin? in this economy?
this is it, we’ve found the ultimate specimen of millennial humor
I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.
I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”
when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”
One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”
One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”
She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.
Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed
Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.
i work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - ill ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it ive bungled it
but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”
as i handed her the bag i was trying to say “thanks, youre all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and i said “thanks, youre important”
there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said. she blinked and then said “oh thank you! youre important too!”
the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. last week i accidentally combined ‘youre welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘youre a problem’”
one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.”
we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”I once asked my mom if she would like to take a customer service survey at the end of a phone call.
An afternoon last week I bought a pair of boots and as I left I said “night night” to the salesperson. My wife was next to me and just lost it. (I still wonder if the salesperson slept well that night. Hope so.)
I work in a bakery and a man wearing one of those ‘I Flexed And The Sleeves Fell Off” singlets came in. In my shop we sell two kinds of French stick, one with seeds and one without. When people ask for a French stick you ask which they would like but unfortunately for me I was glancing at his shirt as I asked and accidentally said “Would you like sleeves with that?”
He looked mortally wounded while my coworker lost her ever-loving shit.I’m a 911 dispatcher. Sometimes when I pick up a call on my personal phone, I mindlessly answer it with “Police communications” or “where is your emergency”. Oops.
The way John Mulaney speaks is the vocalized version of When You Capitalise Every Word Like This